wishing you and yours all the best
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.