I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right