I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
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Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Stop.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
What if all the cashiers are married?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!