Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
This could be us… but you playing
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge