Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
yeah 😭
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am