I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car