Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
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Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.