*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You can’t outrun your problems…
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.