why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear