you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Me as a therapist: omg same
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here