Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.