Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
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I鈥檝e got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I was bummed that I didn鈥檛 have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I鈥檝e endured at potlucks, how鈥檚 your Monday going
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 馃槈
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he鈥檚 being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”