Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
mom had nothing to worry about
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go