Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.