I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
When you let grandma cat sit
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
house sitting!
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible