“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*