Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*puts cutlery down*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Do one person every day that scares you.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.