If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own