2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Plumber: I think I found the problem
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing