I ate everything, including the H.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!