Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
58.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.