Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this