“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy