me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I have a type: disappointing
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.