To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike