The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]