I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“That’s what” – She
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?