not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I’m awake but I object,
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations