I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Seems kinda suspicious
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?