*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
did it work
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.