My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.