NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*