Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Xylophonist Shredding It
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.