Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Has science gone too far?
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I forgot how to panic. Help
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
This kid is a star!
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.