Banana is the quietest snack
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me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
what?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.