I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
What personal space?
My dog
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end