“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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the three branches of government
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours