me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.