When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.