*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
You Might Also Like
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.