My summer body has been pending for about ten years
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Cinematography is my passion
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*