ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Just a reminder, folks:
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers