sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
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Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
stand with me against insufficient seating
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH