Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft