It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre