She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs