Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”