[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
SF is the wild wild west man
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians