It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
How times have changed.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
me: time for sleep 馃檪
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you鈥檝e made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I鈥檓 deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird鈥檚 head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte馃檮
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese鈥檚
A friend sent me this and now I can鈥檛 think of anything else
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh馃ぃ 馃ぃ
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Child: Mom! You can鈥檛 go that way, it鈥檚 a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that鈥檚 just a suggestion.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment