employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Something Saturday.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice